What I want to know is “What have I done to deserve you?” All I ever hoped for was to help people feel good, to recognize they were special in some way. Because they are. And what have I gotten? Nothing but limitations and barriers. I guess I was hoping for way too much; selfish really. People tell me I don’t understand how difficult their life is, that I have been blessed and favored. They think I am annoyingly optimistic. I continue to hear, “you are so lucky.” I can only hope that makes them feel good.
You have taken pride in watching me repeatedly stumble and fall, bringing me down to the level I must deserve. Maybe now reality is going to help me wake up and smell the sewer. Then maybe I will start to understand.
You look for good people, don’t you? The other victims I’ve met are almost universally talented and open hearted. In that way you have done me a favor — I couldn’t ask for better friends. But that favor is tempered with the pain of watching them struggle. Every minute of every hour of every day. And the only way to help is the same way they help me — by being a friend who listens and understands. I can do that. Not that you won’t find a way to put boundaries on my listening and caring. Limitations are your specialty, aren’t they? And you are incredibly good at forcing them on us. What you can’t put a limit on is how much I hate you and this disease. Sorry — that is out of reach, even for you. Live with it, like we do. You deserve it — we don’t.